detox just to retox (another shot at life)

every single time i work up my courage to tell people about the help i need and things theyve done to hurt me and how they can improve and they tell me "i'll keep it in mind", it just means they'll keep doing it.

am i just not worth changing for?

things i'd do if i owned a time machine (fixing the past wont fix your brain)

sometimes i fantasize about building a time machine. i've read all the ethical and philosophical ideas about changing the past, deep theories about multiverses and butterflies flapping their wings. but when i fantasize about it i ignore all of that. if i could change anything, whatever i wanted, what would i change?

i close my eyes and i see younger versions of me. and i talk to them.

don't be friends with that girl, she'll try to kill you and permanently stunt your social development. dont date that guy, he'll give your brain enough ammunition to last a lifetime. don't be friends with that other girl, she'll plant the idea in your brain that all your friends secretly hate you. don't date that other guy, he'll bring up more of the insecurities that that first girl gave you that had been lying dormant in your brain. dont look at yourself in that full length mirror. dont eat your feelings. dont kiss your best friend. dont write that message. dont make that playlist. dont, dont, dont, dont...

this little exercise has made me realize that i am made of regrets. it seems i have regretted most decisions ive made in my life. i cannot be trusted with choices.

some people say you are made of your life experiences. some people use this idea to say they wouldnt change anything, that every choice leads to who they are.

i think they're full of bullshit. because imagine being haunted by the past and by your past choices. every day of your life. if you had the choice, you would change it all too. i'd prefer to be a fundamentally different person than to be this husk of a human i am.