burning from the inside out

i think i should just get the idea that having you in my life is not a good idea through my thick head. suddenly it seems like you're a completely different person, or maybe i am, or maybe we both are. you act like im invisible, i get angry at you for no reason.

i gnaw at my hands until they stop shaking with the need to text you first. i said one day i'd stop being the one to initiate contact. that was more than two weeks ago. youve talked to me once.

if you really want to fix it, if you really miss me that much, if you really want things to go back to how they were, maybe you should be the one to text first, for a change.

and there's more to fixing things than just a half assed apology, you know? maybe i'd stop thinking you're an asshole that makes empty apologies if you tried and fixed what you did wrong. and you know what you did wrong. i think youre smart enough to know. i just kinda wished you'd be honest with me. i dont know if you lie because you think it will hurt less but im not stupid, im not a kid, i can take the truth.

i'm angry now but i'm sure in a couple hours i'll be crying thinking of how much i love you and how sad i am and how much i wish things were back to how they were. detox just to retox. this fucking sucks.

winter ends tomorrow, i want my emotions to end with it.